FDA APPROVES DR. GIZMOS MEDICAL DEVICE
November 26,1998, The Waldorf Astoria, New York City:
At a press conference attended my media pundits and reporters from the nations major newspapers Dr. Harvey Gizmo Rosenberg, announced that the Federal Drug Administration had finally approved his (patented) breakthrough medical technology for public use. Dr. Gizmo commented:
After a three year of testing period the FDA has finally approved my newest medical invention. Most of you are not aware that my gizmology extends to many other fields, so it shouldnt surprise you that I am very interested in the frontiers of medical technology. With the audio industry suffering with a two decade long chronic debilitating disease of the mind and spirit, I was determined to develop a new form of medical technology that would end this plague of dissipation.
The Hydraulic Audio Butt Plug Remover is a very simple medical device and extremely effective. By just clamping its jaws onto the entrenched audio butt plug, and then by attaching a bicycle pump, and simply pumping a couple of times, and achieving five pounds of pressure on its tiny hydraulic cylinder the suffering audiophile s audio butt plug will be yanked free without any pain. This is a real breakthrough for the audio industry which, according to the latest Gallop Poll, has the highest incidence of butt plugs sufferers than any other industry devoted to marketing luxury boy toys.
My plan is to mass produce the HABPR so it can be purchased for the price of a CD, and I am hoping that a major record label will distribute this product because it will also have dramatic effect on record sales. But perhaps the most exciting news of all is that I have just signed a contract with Beavis and Butthead, who have agreed to be the official spokesmen for the HABPR, and will be appearing in all of our infomercials and advertising and doing demonstrations all over America.
At this point in his news conference Dr. Gizmo took questions from the reporters in the audience.
The reporter from the Christian Science Monitor asked: Could you explain in greater detail exactly how the HABPR works?.
The combination of clamp, cam and hydraulic cylinder is the breakthrough and why it was worthy of a patent. Until this time most uptight audiophiles who wanted to have more fun were using the string attached to the doorknob/slamming the door shut technique which is not effective for removing butt plugs, because our research demonstrated they must be turned to the left (never to the right) to break their seal before they can be removed. The FDA approval confirms that the HABPR is the real breakthrough. After the clamp is attached to the butt plug and air pressure is built in the hydraulic cylinder and the trigger is released, the hydraulic cylinder impacts a cam which turns the clamp with great force to the left breaking the seal, loosening the audio butt plug, while the cam, in its second stage of operation yanks the plug free. The whole process takes less than a second.
In anticipation of your questions...the reason I designed the hydraulic cylinder to withstand 100 pounds of pressure (which you can get by using your HABPR at your local gas station) is because there may be some audio butt plugs that are so entrenched that extreme pressure is needed to yank them free.
The reporter from The New York Times then asked: Dr. Gizmo, how do these audio butt plugs get inserted in the first place?.
It is a well known fact that the Tooth Fairy, who sneaks into every little boys room, also has an evil twin brother, The Audio Butt Plug Fairy, who sneaks into grown up boys rooms, and when they are sleeping does his evil work. The Audio Butt Plug Fairy is a very dark evil spirit because almost all young men wake up in the morning and dont even know that they have been plugged up. They only know that they are acting much more uptight and arent having fun experiencing the spontaneous joy of life anymore....and most importantly..they stop dancing to music when they listen to their stereo...and tragically become very intellectual about music.
Rush Limbaugh asked the next question: Dr. Gizmo, why not just leave the audio butt plug where it is...if no one really cares...why bother. Dont you think that the kind of physical pleasure you are taking about...is dangerous and can lead to child abuse, violence and a loss of control?
Good question Rush. As we all know there is a little gland in men that is responsible for spontaneity, joy, creativity, and freedom of expression; this is the gland that makes us dance, celebrate and be affectionate loving and passionate men, and when this gland gets blocked by the audio butt plug we become control freaks, rigid, overly intellectual, analytical, professorial, intolerant, and uptight...we cant respond to music with our bodies and have fun. So by removing..I mean...yanking out the audio butt plug....the whole experience of music in our home because filled with spontaneous joy, and our body takes over and our head relaxes, and that is what is missing in the audio industry. Some call it fun. I call it the natural organic response to music. There is no doubt that some men loving being uptight, and they will never use the HABPR.
Larry King then asked: But how can we tell if we suffering and are blocked by an audio butt plug when all of the feelings you are describing seem so normal for most American men?
Larry, do you do what John Mellencamp recommends? Do you dance naked in your living room, or are you worrying about the micro-dynamics of your stereo image?
Dan Rather, who was having a bad hair day then asked:
Arent you going to make many enemies in the audio industry with this new product? You have to expect that many will try to discredit you and your invention.
Right on Dan. You cant have a revolution without upsetting the keepers of the moldy cheese, but I think most in this industry now recognize that if there isnt a dramatic change in attitude, and by that I mean...if this industry doesnt stop being so uptight, the flight from its products will not cease. So I am reaching out to everyone and anyone; every audio industry professional, and offering them one free unit of the HABPR, and asking them to try it...no obligation. I am completely confident that once this industry gets rid of most of its audio butt plugs, it will explode with growth, and then I can start marketing my HPBPR..Hydraulic Politician Butt Plug Remover.
e-mail Dr. Harvey "Gizmo" Rosenberg: firstname.lastname@example.org
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