I recently received an e-mail written by Ralph Karstin that said he was trying to convince the FBI to investigate me. This would make me, "The Father of the Modern OTL amplifier" the first audio writer accused, by OTL amplifier manufacturer, of committing a criminal act in defense of OTL integrity. On the same day I received the following email:

Dr. Gizmo

As you know Hollywood movies suck. What Hollywood needs is a new gangster hero and an action packed shoot 'em up gangster movies just like the good old days, but with a new twist…a gangster move about the audio arts…and we are sending you a script that is guaranteed of winning you an Academy Award.

Edgar G. Robinson

James Cagney.

What perfect timing, because this could be the be big break that I have been waiting for. My previous starring roles in dog and vampire movies were failures, and I looked forward to getting the script.

If someone believes they are victim of a federal crime they file a complaint with FBI. It appears that Karstin is trying to convince the FBI that my articles about his amplifiers and my dealings with him constitute a federal crime. I have to assume that in his attempts to instigate an investigation Karstin hopes that the FBI will find evidence of criminality. The FBI will then refer the case to a Federal Prosecutor, in the Attorney General's office, who will then empower a grand jury to sit and decide if there are reasonable grounds, based on the evidence, for a trial. If so, there will be a trial in a Federal Court.

Because this process is very time consuming and uses up a great deal of taxpayers dollars, every one takes this process very seriously. Because OTL amplifiers are very important I am sure that the Attorney General will see the political advantage of fully investigating this case. I think the American public wants to know the truth about OTL amplifiers. I will keep you informed of the results.

There might be an historic Congressional "OTL" hearing. This is a good thing (1) because there is so much bad information about OTL amplifiers out there in audio land that it just might take the FBI, the Attorney General, and Congress to straighten out this mess…and give Ralph Karstin what he deserves, (2) CNN coverage of the Congressional "OTL" hearing and my trial will be good publicity for an industry which traditionally has negative skills in communicating to the public. Of course I am certain of my innocence, but who knows, I may be doing hard time in the big house soon.

On the other hand the publicity associated with this case will be a great boost to my campaign to insure the public understand the benefits and limitations of OTL circuits. At my trial I will call expert witness from all over the world who I am sure will confirm my claims and warning. The tests from various independent research labs of what happens to OTL amplifiers when they are used with 'normal" American speakers will also make headlines.

Can you imagine the thrill of reading a movie script, DANCES WITH OTLs, written by James Cagney and Edward G. Robinson? What surprised me was how short the script was, (only three pages) and it had very few characters…but it had all the punch, thrill, and chills of the finest Hollywood Grade B gangster move of the 1930s. Let me give you the chief character summary before we begin:

"Bugsy Futterman": played by me. Short, tough, no bullshit kind of loveable gangster, with a real attitude, who has a soft spot for blonde dames, music maniacs and deli.

"Shaky Bob": played by Christopher Walken: Arch enemy of Bugsy, owner of "OTL Haven" a high end audio dealer in northern Idaho, turned informant to help Hoover capture Bugsy and put him away in the Big House. Starts shaking all over whenever Bugsy's name is mentioned.

"Toots": played by Cameron Diaz: Bugsy's girlfriend. Ex-Mensa nymphomaniac brain surgeon who stole a Revlon lipstick at Woolworth's and is wanted by the FBI. Bakes great pie.

J. Edgar Hoover: Played by Kevin Kostner. Under the control of the "solid state" political bosses, Hoover vows to get Bugsy at any cost.

Warden O'Brien: Played by Sean Connery: Warden of Sing Sing Prison, who is in Ossining New York, which one town south of Croton-on-Hudson where New York Audio Labs was located, and used to visit during his lunch break.

We are in OTL Haven and Mrs. Smith a 98 year old widow living off her husband's life insurance, who was a hero in WW II, is shopping for a music system and Shaky is trying to sell her an OTL amplifier.

Mrs. Smith: "But Mr. Shaky, I have read Dr. Gizmo's articles and he says that I shouldn't use any OTL amplifier with a "normal" speaker because the amplifier wont sound right and will burn up the output tubes…especially if the speakers have ported enclosures…and mine do".

SHAKY: "Mrs. Smith don't pay any attention to that mad man. You know that the FBI is investigating him, and soon he will be doing hard time in the big house, and good riddance. Here… look at these rave reviews from Jonathan Valin and Harry Pearson of the Absolute Sound…they love these amplifiers and you should buy them. You can trust me…OTL amplifiers are just fine with normal American speakers. Trust me".

SCENE TWO:

We are in Dr. Gizmo's 1981 baby blue Cadillac deVille, and we hear "Barry White's Favorite Hits" blasting on the radio. Toots is driving, wearing nothing but Victoria's Secret underwear, and chewing a big wad of gum. Bugsy is loading his paint ball gun, and opens a box which contains a banana cream pie that Toots just baked.

We hear the screech of the tires as the big baby blue Cadillac jerks to a stop in front of OTL Haven, as Bugsy jumps out and runs into the store.

BUGSY: Put your hands up Shaky, no more music maniac shake down. Don't worry madam I am not here to hurt you or harm you, just to warn you not to buy those OTL amplifiers if you have "normal" American speakers…especially if they are ported enclosures. You are much better off buying a refined transformer coupled amplifier.

SHAKY: Bugsy, I will get for that. I won't stop until you are behind bars.

BUGSY: Take that Shaky.

We see Bugsy start shooting his paint gun at the walls of OTL HAVEN, and as the paint balls explode we see the writing on the wall: ONLY USE OTL AMPLIFIERS WITH HIGH EFFECIENCY HIGH IMPEDANCE SPEAKERS. And then we see Bugsy hit Shaky in the face with a cream pie…and run out the door and into the waiting car, for a fast escape.

SHAKY: (With a spoon in his shaking hand eating the pie on his face and talking on the phone) Listen here Hoover…we have to put this Bugsy out of action, he is killing all of my sales.

HOOVER: I agree. I have a plan.

SCENE FIVE:

We are in the Trump Plaza's honeymoon suite and Bugsy (who is eating a lean pastrami sandwich) and Toots are in the Jacuzzi making love to the music of Barry Manilow (Note: now you know why I love being a Hollywood movie star), and the door crashes in and ten FBI agents rush in with guns blazing, and say "Stick 'em up"

We are in the courtroom. We see the jury: Dan D'Agostino, Nelson Pass, Jeff Rowland, Bob Carver, Amar Bose, Corey Greenberg, Bruce Rozenblitt, and Jennifer Crock, who is the foreman of the jury stand up and announce, "Your honor, we the jury find Bugsy Futterman, guilty of all the charges".

SCENE SEVEN:

Sing Sing Prison in Warden O'Brien's office:

WARDEN O'BRIEN: Listen here Bugsy, you are in the Big House doing Hard Time. You have broken the law of your tribe. You knew the rules: audio writers are never supposed to be critical of any company, individual or piece of equipment. That is not how the game is played because a truly critical review ruins sales and scares away advertisers. Audio writers are supposed to behave themselves and churn out audio fluff, so you are going to have to pay your dues for being an audio gangster.

BUGSY: Warden O'Brien, your prison can't hold me….no amount of hard time in the big house will ever make me churn out audio fluff…I would rather be dead.

Tootsie is visiting Bugsy in prison and hands him a hot home made apple pie.

BUGSY: Don't worry Toots, we will be back in the Jacuzzi real soon.

Tootsie winks.

We hear the prison sirens scream out in the night. Searchlights are scanning the grounds. Bugsy has escaped. We see headlines of the New York Times: AUDIO ENEMY NUMBER ONE ESPCAPE SING SING.

We see Bugsy and Toots, who is still wearing her Victoria's Secret underwear and chewing gum, sitting in the Senate answering questions from the "OTL Committee".

BUGSY: That's right senator, I am asking Congress to pass and OTL Labeling Law, to protect consumers. I am suggesting that you pass a law that requires every OTL Amplifier have a label on its chassis that says "WARNING: DO NOT USE THIS AMPLIFIER WITH NORMAL AMERICAN SPEAKERS BECAUSE IT WILL RESULT IN POOR PERFORMANCE AND PREMATURE TUBE FAILURE.

SCENE ELEVEN:

New York Times headline: DANCES WITH OTL WINS ACADEMY AWARD FOR BEST PICTURE, DIRECTOR, PRODUCER, WRITER, MUSIC, SPECIAL EFFECTS.

WHAT HAPPENED AFTER THE ACADEMY AWARDS CEREMONY

As you know Hollywood movies can have a profound effect on the American public's attitudes, and in less than thirty days Congress did in fact pass THE OTL LABELING LAW, and everyone, except Shaky lived, happily ever after.

PLEASE NOTE: The OTL Labeling Law does not apply to David Berning's ZOTL because it employs a patented circuit that "impedance maps" the output stage to the speaker load. But the labeling law will apply all other OTL amplifiers, even to the new model of the Futterman amplifier…if I ever decide to make it. If an OTL amplifier is used with a high efficiency high impedance speaker you can expect ten years of useful life out of a set of output tubes. Violate this rule and you will have damaged tubes in 30 days.