TOWARDS A UNIFYING AUDIO THEOREM:
THE JOURNEY TO THE Nth DIMENSION OF MUSIC HYPERSPACE
As you know I have been working very hard at devising a unifying theorem of musical existence; one that would integrate classical music, hot rods, motorcycles, sex, rock and roll, black leather, cigars, watermelon and audio. Clearly the reason that all cosmologist, including Hawkins and Einstein, have achieved so little success in creating a unifying theorem of reality is because they mistakenly believe that the first moment of creation was the BIG BANG (the first harmonic). SETI, the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence has also failed because their high frequency spectrum analyzers are tuned to the wrong frequency. Every one of these scientists is looking in the wrong place for advanced forms of intelligence. These cosmologists and astronomers intellectual failing is easily explained when you look at the home audio systems of these cosmologists which are all K Mart rack systems i.e. they havent got a clue about the harmonics/space/time continuum. On the other hand the tribal chiefs of the high end audio tribes have been so involved in micro-matters; push/pull vs. single-ended that they are trapped in a three dimensional model of musical reality, and just dont get it ....there is more...there are higher dimensions of musical reality. The point being: if we want to make contact with higher forms of intelligence all that we have to do is make contact with higher forms of music intelligence.
But I have never been a whiner and complainer, which is why I decided to, after my dream, to launch SETMI, the Search for Extraterrestrial Musical Intelligence, aboard a completely unique form of "music space craft" the XH-1, the worlds first high tech dirigible biomachine astronomic recording studio laboratory in the sky (try saying that fast ten times and not puke). While building such a high tech complex machine would be an impossible task for most, I was able to construct it, with the help of members of the Triode Guild and the Jivaro Indians, all of whom are shamans. The XH-1 was not only built from some of the most advanced new forms of materials-titanium, Kevlar, carbon composite, but it was also grown in the jungles of Brazil. The XH-1 is the worlds first bio-machine which means it is 50% machine, and 50% living organism with its own intelligence and biological systems. And we built the XH-1 in less time than the American Priests of the Temple of Monkey Coffins could turn out a properly designed high impedance/high efficiency Alnico speakers. Of course, building such a fantastic biomachine would have been impossible without the help of the hundreds of skilled thermionic techno-shamans who live and work at the Triode Guild, and the skill and knowledge of the shamans of the rain forest of Brazil.
THE DANGER OF CONTACT
We humans have enough trouble communicating with each other, so the potential chaos of actually making contact with music aliens must be considered. I know because of my frustration when I make contact with them. How do you explain to an alien that you only order lean pastrami on rye bread? What is the benefit of contact if it would cause world wide chaos and catastrophe? The point is... I must proceed very cautiously when revealing what I am discovering about higher dimensions of musical reality to avoid intellectual meltdown in our high end audio community. Of course this dilemma has been wrestled with for generation: just how much knowledge can humans tolerate? Or what would happen to America if I reported that rock and roll in Music HyperSpace was infinitely juicier? Would MTV meltdown?
But I shall start to slowly reveal those things that I think you can handle, and I shall start right now answering the most often asked questions about SETMI.
HOW DO YOU DEVELOP ENOUGH POWER TO MOVE INTO HIGHER DIMENSION OF THE HARMONIC/SPACE/TIME CONTINUUM?:
To get beyond three dimensional music reality you need enormous power, and there are no conventional forms of fuels and engines that can deliver what we need. We therefore had to develop a new form of engine called the Harmonic Plasma Engine, whose design was stimulated by listening to Robert Grunbergs 16 Ohm 108 db Alnico speakers. This picture of the Harmonic Plasma Engine does not do justice to the intricacy of its design, but the key to their ability to produce 2,000,000 harmonic horsepower (each) can be found in the special fuel that they burn, which is completely unique. The combination of 10% liquid oxygen, 18.62% liquid hydrogen peroxide, 18% Brooklyn Chicken Soup, 3% Jack Daniels, 3.4% Mr. Clean, 6.3% Cohiba cigar tobacco juice, 24.3% Diet Pepsi, 9% Listerine, and 12.2% Gardol X, when combined and fed into the superchargers produces more energy than a nuclear explosion, and we dont know why. This formula was "received" by the Jivaro shamans, while in trance induced by a Big Mac, and it worked so well we never questioned it.
With twenty of these Harmonic Plasma Engines at full throttle we can release ourselves from normal earth music gravity and travel into the Nth Dimension of Music HyperSpace.
If you would like to have a similar experience in your living room heres an insight: listen to 78 monos.
WHO IS DR. SNAFU©?:
I only recently discovered this evil Master of Chaos because Fritz, the Audiomaniac Vampire revealed his omnipresence to me. Dr. Snafu has had the cunning and skill to keep his identify secret for decades. Dr. Snafu is the man responsible for everything that has gone wrong with everything everywhere and in the high end audio business....no that is not the right way to say it...Dr. Snafu has been involved in the audio business for almost 100 years and is responsible for all of the snafus that have plagued this industry from its first moment of creation. Dr. Snafu, in spite of what you think, is also the pioneer of the digital audio technology, and he is now working on a new form of digital recording that will eliminate all of the extra notes, tones and feelings that make recording sessions last much too long. Dr. Snafu is also in control of the American Priests of the Temple of Monkey Coffins, and prevents them from making the right speakers for tube amplifiers. Dr. Snafu is also the President of The Academy of High End Audio Silence, and has done a stunning job of not communicating to the public.
Fritz warned me that as soon as we started to build the XH-1 Dr, Snafu would attack us, because he is the arch enemy of any attempts to expand music boundaries. Then one night in the rain forest of Brazil some of the music thugs of his evil gang, The Music Squids, attacked our site where we were building the XH-1. After we captured the Music Squids and the Jivaros started to boil them alive (they love squid with a chili and peppers) they revealed that Dr. Snafu uses his record label, THE ELEVATOR MUSIC COMPANY as a front for his evil activities. According to the poached Music Squids, Dr. Snafu will stop at nothing to sabotage SETMI.
Be warned Dr. Snafu is everywhere. He is in your living room. He is in your car and your office. So be on your guard.
WHAT EXACTLY IS THE XH-1 SEARCHING FOR?:
According to our research, higher forms of musical intelligence exists all around us, but the reason we cant make contact with it is because we are looking in the wrong places and are using the wrong audio detection devices. We are on the verge of breaking through to parallel music universes, and suspect that within "normal" music harmonics, there is another and higher dimension of harmonics that is the pathway to this higher dimension of intelligence. Fritz calls this new harmonic structure Mnemonic Ultramemic Hyperharmonic (MUH). This is why we are working on astronomic directly heated triode music telescopes of extremely high resolution power; high enough to detect these MUHs. To tune these astronomic telescope we must first tune into The Twang before the Big Bang.
All of our listening experiments confirm that there is another level of harmonic before The Big Bang, that is eluding scientists because their model of reality is incomplete and very limited because, and this is very embarrassing for the entire scientific community, scientists are not gifted listeners because their heads are getting in way of their sensitivity. If scientists could just turn off their heads for a short while and just get down with their bad selves they would quickly detect a more profound layer of harmonic reality. It is our challenge to create a detection device for these scientist who cant dance. One trip aboard the XH-1 will convert these "heads" because once they experience The Twang before The Big Bang, they will "get it" about the reality of the music universe.
WELL BOYS AND GIRLS AND GROWNUP TUNE IN FOR THE NEXT INSTALLMENT AND MORE THRILLS, SPILLS AND CHILLS ABOARD XH-1 IN OUR SEARCH FOR EXTRATERRESTRIAL MUSICAL INTELLIGENCE ABOARD THE XH-1, AND BE ON YOUR GUARD FOR THE EVIL DR. SNAFU.
© HARVEY "GIZMO ROSENBERG 1997
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