IN MY HUNT FOR A CAR THAT WILL SPEAK MY TRUTH I DISCOVER AND RESTORE A RARE EXPERIMENTAL MILITARY VEHICLE AND MAKE IT MY DAILY DRIVER
HOW ELSE CAN I EXPRESS
THE ART THAT I AM?
EXPERIMENTAL TACTICAL SNACK ATTACK VEHICLE
THE FIGHTING TACTICAL VEHICLE
DEVIL DOG BRIGADE
"Troops That Eat Devil Dogs, Fight Like Devil Dogs"
Brigadier General "Wild Bill" Daskham
A car is an amplifier. It amplifies our spirit.
If we start with this simple true idea: every man is a completely unique work of art, then it naturally follows that our cars, our most important totem, must reflect that truth. We are then faced with an enormous artistic challenge.
We, the men of America are suffering, and for good reason .it is almost impossible to find a new car with permits us to express our unique truth. Even the most expensive and exotic cars are now cookie cutters. This hurts the pain is as deep and wide as America, and we are too embarrassed to admit how much we are suffering. The notion of driving a "computerized jelly bean with a air bag" makes my left eye twitch just enough so that you can see it if you are looking at me straight in the eye .and it is not easy for us to admitting this plague of car pain.
Like you, I struggled to find my Wholey Temple of the Road. I could get no satisfaction in any new car showrooms. Even the exotics from Europe didn't stoke the fires of my loins. Looking around I saw the obvious truth I could spend $75,000 on a car, and in the course of a day I would see twenty, just like it, on the road.
I was in a deep state of depression, because I was in a car funk. I knew I had to get off the "normal" path and bushwhack into the deep dark jungles of car coolosity. I spent hours studying Hemming's Motor News on the potty. I spent hours surfing the car web sites. Was my expectation too high? Was my need too great? Oh darkness falling upon my garage!
Then I got an email from General George Patton:
Dear Dr. Gizmo,
You are looking for car coolosity in the wrong place. Try the Pentagon's showroom.
In Your FACE - George C.
What did this cryptic message mean? I immediately rented the movie Patton and bought some books about George, and discovered that he too was a car dude and drove around in a special "Command Car" made by Dodge. When you look at the movie news clips of America's WW II victory parade up Fifth Ave there is George in his special cool command car. You can see this car in the movie and that was George's point .he was telling me to check out rare military vehicles.
HOW I OBTAINED THIS TOP SECRET EXPERIMENTAL MILITARY VEHICLE
Which is now my daily driver
THANK YOU FREEDOM OF INFORMATION ACT
So began my research, which initially got me absolutely zilch, because there was no info available about secret military cars. Then I realized that I could use the Freedom of Information Act, to get into the files of now declassified military experimental military vehicles. After months of bureaucratic paper work I finally arrived at the Pentagon, and entered a library, and was given a stack of files .of now declassified experimental military vehicles that were at least thirty years old mostly from the Cold War in Europe. If it weren't for the ending of the cold war, I never would have found my dream car.
After two days of studying the files in front of me, there before me was my dream car .come true a vehicle that resonated with my truth I read and re-read the huge file, which explained in great detail why this unusual vehicle was designed, and what happened in its field tests and a glimmer of hope I might obtain one ..as military surplus.
Was all of this work to express my truth necessary? Read on and Ride On:
BRIGADIER GENERAL "WILD BILL" DASKHAM'S DREAM
Let me summarize what I found in the file:
Brigadier General Daskham, who I discovered had the nick name of Wild Bill, had responsibility of translating NATO's military vehicle needs into reality. His job was to identify and fund experimental military vehicles that NATO could use to gain strategic advantage against the Soviets, who had all the advantages in numbers of men and tanks. General Daskham was keenly aware of how important troop morale is in a potential nuclear battlefield.
During the Cold War, NATO war games in Europe sought to answer the "What If"
questions of war, like
"What if American soldiers get surrounded or
trapped behind enemy lines..will they surrender or continue to fight?".
This was the first time I realized that NATO was terrified of the Soviet's using relatively small tactical nuclear weapons which would create chaos for NATO troops, giving the Soviets an opportunity to "break through" NATO defenses, and move thousands of tanks, and tens of thousands of troops into Germany.
I read General Daskham report about WWII, Korean and Vietnam, battle field experience that proved that simple things can make the critical difference in troop morale. Department of Defense research proved that front line American troops love and need snacks because for American soldiers nothing relieves battlefield fatigue and improves morale better than a great snack. This report explained to me why during WWII the chocolate bar and chewing gum became the symbol of the GI.
THE NEED IS STATED
In the file was a single document that stated the need: Could a vehicle be developed that could, under battle field conditions, deliver snacks to NATO troops that were behind enemy lines. Could an accurate long range snack delivery system be developed?
To answer that question Brigadier General Daskham received Pentagon funding to develop an experimental lightweight Tactical Snack Attach Vehicle that could accurately deliver SAM (Snack Ammo Military) to troops trapped behind enemy lines.
According the specification sheet this new vehicle had to be camouflaged, highly maneuverable, be able to shoot SAM accurately to a 2 MOA at 300 yards, and be able to transport at least five hundred pounds of SAM (Snack Ammo Military) over rough terrain. If the prototype vehicle passed its tests then this vehicle would be produced in large quantities, be inexpensive and expendable.
Brigadier General Dashkam gave this project the code word "DEVIL DOGS" in honor of the Marines who fought victoriously in Germany during WWI. I also discovered that Devil Dogs were also General Daskham's favorite battlefield snack because, and I quote the general here: "TROOPS THAT EAT DEVIL DOGS, FIGHT LIKE DEVIL DOGS".
EXPERIMENTAL TACTICAL SNACK ATTACK VEHICLE
In only one year the XTSAVNATO41GPS prototypes were completed and ready for field testing in the German forest, right opposite the Soviet border. As you know, the best test of a design is field testing under real battle field conditions.
The vehicle was equipped with a newly developed SAM LAUNCHER, (CODE NAME: WHAMO) which performed flawlessly, delivering various forms of SAM from Devil Dogs, to Tootsie Rolls, to .75 caliber Bubble Gum Balls to within six inches (2MOA) of the target out to 300 yards. The experimental 155 mm. LBs and ITs (Lemonade and Ice Tea Balloons), aimed at troops in fox holes, were delivered with an accuracy of 87%. Every form of SAM, from pretzels, bubble gums, licorice, pistachio nuts, dip, beer, soda, chips were delivered within the stated accuracy demands. The SAM Launcher is a marvel of retro-military technology working right .right from the first shot. Having successfully passed all of its preliminary testing, this is where SNAFUs happened.
The report on its testing during war games was shocking: It was time to integrate the new vehicle into the yearly NATO war games in Achen, Germany. Each XTSAV was stocked with over 500 pounds of SAM and positioned in the German forest, waiting for the command to attack. When the "Attack" command came and it was time to support troops with SAM, it was discovered that the XTSAVs had mysteriously run out of SAM: there were no Devil Dogs, chocolate bars, M&Ms, pretzels, Cheese Wiz, ice cream, soda, or corn chips to launch, making the XTSAVs useless in combat. SNAFUS happen. Mission failed.
What happened to the SAM? After the war game, at the debriefing, the unit commander claimed that his troops had not consumed any of the SAM, and a full scale investigation was held by the Adjutant General's Office.
I read the Adjutant General report which was issued six months later. This report confirmed the innocence of the XTSAV crews. It was discovered that "Commie Rats" were infiltrating the XTSAVs at night and eating all of the SAM. The report suggested that some form of COMMIE RAT TRAP be developed. I then discovered a file which showed a retro-fit of this technology. The COMMIE RAT TRAP new be seen on the hood. As General Daskham said "No Commie Rats are going to steal my Devil Dogs". Problem solved.
At the very back of the file I discovered that with the escalation of the Vietnam War, funding for the XTSAV project was terminated, and the original prototype was shipped to, and stored, at the Fort Aberdeen Vehicle Museum, in Maryland.
Filed closed. First were now burning in my loins, and set off the smoke detector in the library. How could I obtain the only XTSAV ever made?
FINDING GENERAL DASKHAM
I then became a sleuth and discovered in a Pentagon file where, the now retired, General Daskham was living and called him and told him my story, and asked him to help me acquire the prototype XTSAVNATO41GPS from the Department of Defense. With the ending of the Cold War, the Department of Defense, was unloading tons of surplus military gear, and the General came through. The General was very pleased that I knew so much about him, and told me he would make some calls on my behalf to some old buddies in the Pentagon.
Two weeks later I received a big brown envelop from the U.S. Army Department that had responsibility for disposing of military surplus equipment .with forms I had to complete to purchase the XTSAV .for $750. I called General Dashkam to thank him and asked him how much it cost to develop the vehicles .taxpayers paid about $665,000 for this one vehicle which, according to the General was cheap.
That is the good news. The bad news was that the XTSAVNATO41GPS needed to be restored to its original condition, and that took considerable work. Fortunately for me, General Daskham's told me his son, Roger Daskham operated Grand Prix Service, 236 Hope Street, Stamford CT. phone: 203 323 9752, and was a genius at auto mechanics and could help me with restoration process.
I drove a trailer down to Ft. Aberdeen to pick up the XTSAV, and was also presented a large box that had all of the mechanical drawings of all of the parts, which I would need for the restoration process.
After two years of work, Roger and I completed the restoration process, and you can judge for yourself how successful we have been. I must point out that I did not restore the original engine I built and installed a more powerful one and I added disc brakes because this is my daily driver.
SAM LAUNCHER: In my restoration I did not use the full powered version of the SAM launcher because of possible legal liability. Can you imagine someone sitting on their porch, and as they watch, from over the tree tops, Devil Dogs land at their feet? The launcher I am using is perfectly adequate for my demonstrations at car shows, military gatherings, parades and beach parties or where ever American troops, children or college students are in desperate need of a Devil Dog, or some other SAM. At a recent demonstration a ten year old launched a lollypop out to 150 yards.
INVISIBLE ULTRA CAMO: This is very difficult to describe because you
can't see it. The restoration of the camo pattern took hundreds of hours of
work. Military camouflage first appeared in the form of "British Kakhi", a sand
colored fabric, used by troops stationed in India during Queen Victoria's reign.
Multi-colored camouflage first appeared during WWI. How effective is this patter?
Birds build nests on the vehicle, bees swarm all over it and dogs are constantly
peeing on the wheels. If I park this car need near trees or bushes I will often
walk right passed it. This is a real problem for parking garage attendants who
tell me that I can't park a bush in their garage.
COMMIE RAT TRAP: After discovering that Commie Rats were stealing all of the SAM, a low tech Commie Rat Trap was retro-fitted. This design was so successful that ultra-right wing American conservative political groups copied the design, produced hundreds of them and used them to trap Commie Rats that had infiltrated their local communities and the Federal Government. I also discovered that consumer's were using this design behind their refrigerators.
DEAD MAN/NAGGING WIFE DUAL STEERING SYSTEM: The General was extremely proud of this technological development and hoped it would have peacetime applications. The vehicles has two completely independent sets of driving controls, including two steering wheels, accelerator, brake and clutch, so that if the driver gets shot the second GI can take control. But it has another application that could transform American family life the same system can be used so that a nagging wife can take control of a car from her husband. Department of Defense research revealed that 93% of the soldiers questioned would rather be shot than drive with a nagging wife. Another benefit of this system is that if I get bored driving on the left, I can drive from the right side.
SGT.GIZMO, THE NUCLEAR BATTLEFIELD DUMMY: Allied Technologies Inc. helped the General develop this high technology robot soldier who was designed to operate during a nuclear blast. Only a dummy would want to be subjected to that condition. I restored the dummy and now use him as a best friend who I can talk to, because sometimes being a solder, or a gizmologist is very lonely. When I am stopped for traffic violations I tell the police that Sgt. Gizmo was driving because this is the right hand drive car. But to be honest the best thing about Sgt. Gizmo, is that no matter the argument we have, I always win, and as you know, men love to win arguments.
TRENCH PISTACHIO NUT OPENER: Have you ever gotten a big bag of pistachio nuts and tried to open one those nuts that have no slit? Nothing is more frustrating when you are under attack in a fox hole. It drives us crazy and destroys our teeth. Field commanders didn't want soldiers frustrated and distracted with their un-openable pistachio nuts, so this special purpose tool (check hood) for opening up those nasty little mothers was included. Remember the most important thing in a battle is concentration. If you have this problem, as a civilian, you can order one of these openers for only $1,200.
MULTIPLE SAM COMPARTMENTS: These storage containers are filled with the SAM that is appropriate to each battle from pretzels to M&Ms.
BEER AND SODA CONTAINERS: On the roof and hood of XTSAVNATO41GPS are containers for storing various sizes bottles of beer and soda.
PRESSURIZED TANKS OF LEMONADE AND ICE TEA: These pressurized tanks are used to fill military balloons so they can be launched over enemy lines to our troops who need a drink to wash down their Devil Dogs.
PERIMETER DEFENSE SQUAD: After the Commie Rat infiltration NATO downsized a squad of solders and positioned them in the towing ropes on the hood. These micro-sized soldiers now protect the vehicle from vandals, thieves and sneaky Commie Rats.
ORIENTATION METERS: A series of meters on the dashboard indicate body lean and orientation so that if you are driving upside down at night you can make corrections. Essential guidance tool for delivery snacks on target during the chaos of battle.
GI. ICE CREAM SCOOPER: During the heat of battle nothing feels better than a scoop of fresh home made GI Ice Cream and to scoop it out of its 100 pound containers requires a very big scooper.
3-D BATTLE SIMULATORS: Not to be confused with those tiny cheap dumb plastic toy soldiers from toy stores, each one of these tiny plastic soldiers cost the American tax payer $10,000 each and are used to stage practice battles so GI can hone their snack delivery skills. Launching snacks under pressure is very difficult and much practice, with these battle simulators, is needed.
50 MM BOFORS SHELL ROSE HOLDER: What about the morale of the crew of the XTSAVNATIO41GPS? That is why a rose holder made from a 50 mm Bofors anti-tank shell case is installed in between the front seats Remember, a rose is a rose, a nd a snack is a snack.
INFRA-RED "BULLSHIT" SEEKING MISSILE: While on a training exercise some smart ass in the Soviet Military fired one of their new Infra "Red Bullshit" seeking missiles at the XTSAVNATO41GPS and it missed because the red bloodied American soldiers, who were the crew, would never lie but it hit the rear enginecompartment and I restored this to remind me of the terror of battle field bullshit.
BATTLEFIELD LICORICE CUTTER: You note the heavy duty licorice cutter mounted on the hood, which is necessary because the Department of Defense only buys one hundred foot long rolls of heavy duty-battle field ready licorice..
ENEMY VEHICLE IDENTIFICATION MUSEUM: The inside of the XTSAVNATO41GPS is filled with enemy vehicle identification pictures, instruction on how to set up a mine field, battlefield maps and GI Joe comic books. This helps the crew identify the enemy and prevents mistaken Devil Dog deliveries to the Commies..
DOG PIE LAND MINE: The smart military strategist uses conventional wisdom, and we all know that were ever there is a big dog poop, someone is going to step in it. The Defense Department discovered that dog poops are like magnets for human feet, so I suggested a new land mine design that looks like a dog poop. It is mounted on the hood for easy access.
BABNAR RADAR: You will see a small radar pod on the front bumper. This is a new form of ground hugging radar that I invented to selectively detect if any Soviet spies, in the form of "Babes" were sneaking up on the XTSAVNATO41GPS. I wasn't totally successful in restoring this complex technology because it now only picks up large dogs.
REINACTMENT OF NORMANDY D-DAY INVASION: To help build morale for the crew General Daskham constructed, using official US Army 3-D Battle Simulators, an almost exact replica of D-Day.
STEREO PA SYSTEM: On the roof are two PA speakers which helps the driver communicate with our troops trapped behind enemy lines. This is the best way to determine exactly what kind of snacks our boys needed .. if the battle is really loud. This also helps eliminate battlefield SAM mistakes, like adding extra sprinkles when the troop really wanted extra nuts on his ice cream.
THE EFFECT THE XTSAVNATO41GPS
HAS ON THE MALE POPULATION
. Men know when they are beholding a car that they have never seen before..on the road, or in a book. Men can feel when they are in the presence of a very powerful spirit with four wheels. Men can hear what cars have to say and what they sing.
So I am very pleased to report that this car, my daily driver, makes men salute it and sing a chorus of God Bless America. Other men hug it and embrace it. I often find men under my motor examining my engine mounts. Grandparents want to know how to buy one for their godson. My car speaks to six year old boys, and to one hundred and six year old men, with equal eloquence. Vietnam Vets and Hippies wish they had one. At car shows there is always a crowd, and when I give a demonstration of the accuracy of the SAM Launcher, the audience applauds.
But the most important thing is the thrill to know that I driving a car that expresses the art that I am.
Copyright© 2006 Meta-Gizmo.com and Dr.
Harvey "Gizmo" Rosenberg All