EXPERIMENTAL TACTICAL SNACK ATTACK VEHICLE

If we start with this simple true idea: every man is a completely unique work of art, then it naturally follows that our cars, our most important totem, must reflect that truth. We are then faced with an enormous artistic challenge.

We, the men of America are suffering, and for good reason….it is almost impossible to find a new car with permits us to express our unique truth. Even the most expensive and exotic cars are now cookie cutters. This hurts…the pain is as deep and wide as America, and we are too embarrassed to admit how much we are suffering. The notion of driving a "computerized jelly bean with a air bag" makes my left eye twitch just enough so that you can see it …if you are looking at me straight in the eye….and it is not easy for us to admit this plague of car pain.

Like you, I struggled to find my Wholey Temple of the Road. I could get no satisfaction in any new car showrooms. Even the exotics from Europe didn't stoke the fires of my loins. Looking around I saw the obvious truth…I could spend $75,000 on a car, and in the course of a day I would see twenty, just like it, on the road.

EXPERIMENTAL TACTICAL SNACK ATTACK VEHICLE

LASER GUIDED SAM LAUNCHER: This was my greatest design challenge. I needed to design a high-tech launching system that was totally silent, extremely accurate, reliable, and have the power to launch a wide range SAM long distances…and hit the target. After studying the Roman and Renaissance European catapult systems and rejecting them, I studied the Old Testament, in Hebrew, and realized that David had a really good idea, which then brought me back to my days in college, when I built the first IBBCL: Intercontinental Ballistic Beer Can Launchers in my attempt to launch the first beer cans into earth orbit. I scaled back this technology, and as you can see it worked perfectly. In my restoration I did not use the full powered version of the SAM launcher because of possible legal liability. The one I am using, is perfectly adequate for my demonstrations at car shows, military gatherings, parades and beach parties…or where ever American troops, children or college students are in desperate need of a Devil Dog.

INVISIBLE ULTRA CAMO: This is very difficult to describe because you can't see it. In fact, I am a master of the art of camouflage, which began hundreds of millions of years ago when reptiles took on the coloring of their surroundings. Military camouflage first appeared in the form of "British Kakhi", a sand colored fabric, used by troops stationed in India during Queen Victoria's reign. Multi-colored camouflage first appeared during WWI. The camo pattern used in this vehicle I created just for it and is extremely advanced and effective. How effective? Birds build nests on the vehicle, bees swarm all over it and dogs are constantly peeing on the wheels.

COMMIE RAT TRAP: After discovering that Commie Rats were stealing all of the SAM, I designed a high tech Commie Rat Trap. This design was so successful that ultra-right wing American conservative political groups copied it and used them to trap Commie Rats that had infiltrated their local communities and in the Federal Government.

DEAD MAN/NAGGING WIFE DUAL STEERING SYSTEM: I am extremely proud of this technological development which I hoped would have peacetime applications. The vehicles has two completely independent sets of driving controls so that if the driving gets shot the second GI can drive. But it has another application that could transform American family life…the same system can be used so that a nagging wife. Department of Defense research revealed that 93% of the soldiers questioned would rather be shot than drive with a nagging wife.

SGT.GIZMO, THE NUCLEAR BATTLEFIELD DUMMY: Allied Technologies Inc. helped me develop this high technology robot soldier who was designed to operate during a nuclear blast. Only a dummy would want to be subjected to that condition. I restored the dummy and now use him as a best friend who I can talk to, because sometimes being a solder or a gizmologist is very lonely. When I am stopped for traffic violations I tell the police that Sgt. Gizmo was driving because this is the right hand drive car.

TRENCH PISTACHIO NUT OPENER: Have you ever gotten a big bag of pistachio nuts and tried to open one those nuts that have no slit? Nothing is more frustrating when you are under attack in a box hole. It drives you crazy and can destroy our teeth. We don't want soldiers frustrated and distracted with their unopenable pistachio nuts so I designed a tool (check hood) for opening up those nasty little mothers. Remember the most important thing in a battle is concentration.

MULTIPLE SNACK COMPARTMENTS: These storage containers are filled with the SAM that is appropriate to each battle.

BEER AND SODA CONTAINERS: On the roof and hood of XTSAVNATO41GPS are containers for holding various sizes bottles of beer and soda.

PRESSURIZED TANKS OF LEMONADE AND ICE TEA: These pressurized tanks are used to fill military balloons so they can be launched over enemy lines to our troops who need a drink to wash down their Devil Dogs.

PERIMETER DEFENSE SQUAD: After the Commie Rat infiltration I downsized a squad of solders and positioned them in the towing ropes on the hood. These restored soldiers now protect the vehicle from vandals and thieves.

ORIENTATION METERS: A series of meter on the dashboard indicate body lean and orientation so that if you are driving upside down at night you can make corrections. Essential guidance tool for delivery snacks on target.

3-D BATTLE SIMULATORS: Not to be confused with those tiny cheap dumb plastic toy soldiers from toy stores, each one of these tiny plastic soldiers cost the American tax payer $10,000 each and are used to stage practice battles so GI can hone their snack delivery skills. Launching snacks under pressure is very difficult and much practice with these simulators is needed.

INFRA-"RED BULLSHIT" SEEKING MISSILE: While on a training exercise some smart ass in the Soviet Military fired one of their new Infra "Red Bullshit" Seeking missiles at the XTSAVNATO41GPS and it missed because the crew was always red bloodied American soldiers who never lie…but it hit the rear engine compartment.

BATTLEFIELD LICORICE CUTTER: You note the heavy duty licorice cutter mounted on the hood, which is necessary because the Department of Defense only buys one hundred foot long rolls.

ENEMY VEHICLE IDENTIFICATION MUSEUM: The inside of the XTSAVNATO41GPS is filled with enemy vehicle identification pictures, battlefield maps and GI Joe comic books. This helps the crew identify the enemy and prevents mistaken Devil Dog deliveries to the enemy..

DOG PIE LAND MINE: The smart military strategist uses conventional wisdom, and we all know that were ever there is a big dog poop, someone is going to step in it. The Defense Department discovered that dog poops are like magnets for human feet, so I suggested a new land mine design that looks like a dog poop. It is mounted on the hood for easy access.

BABNAR: You will see a small radar pod on the front bumper. This is a new form of ground hugging radar that I invented to selectively detect if any Soviet spies, in the form of "Babes" were sneaking up on the XTSAVNATO41GPS. I wasn't totally successful in restoring this complex technology because it now only picks up large dogs.

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