HOW MANY MALE HEAVENS?
I got an email from Elvis Presley:
Dear Dr. Gizmo,
Please send me an outline of your feet so I can make you a pair of blue suede shoes because I want you to wear them when you walk through the gates of Rock and Roll Heaven.
THE VERY GOOD NEWS
How many male heavens are there? There are more than you can shake a stick at. I have personally been to about twenty eight, but at least two hundred more have been described to me, in detail, by those who have been there. Does this surprise you? Grunt is the answer is YES.
Let's keep this simple: If we lived a wholey life, when we die we go to the heaven of our choice. Many of you already know that, but did you know that you can change your mind and move to others? When you get bored with one, you can switch. But you should also be aware that male heavens are not perfect, and our responsibility is to take all the tools we need to enjoy the experience. If you decide that you are going to TROUT FISHING HEAVEN you need to take your fishing tackle, and any flies that are smaller than size 16. If you are going to DRAG RACING HEAVEN you need to take your dragster. This seems fair. By the way this doesn't mean that you can't get really cool tools in your favorite heaven, it only means that each of us must take responsibility for our happiness.
FLUSHING OUR BOGUS IDEAS ABOUT HEAVEN AND HELL
The above may seem like a radical idea, but let's consider the following: If Heaven is a reward for a wholey life, how can boredom be a reward. The notion Heaven is a place populated by angels and we hang out in the clouds with saints speculating on good deeds is rightly repulsive for men. What man would want to spend an eternity in such a boring state? The answer is the type of man who loves counting the angels that can stand on the head of a pin.
Most Americans (and we are in the minority) believe in a Christian idea of Heaven, that was first invented about two thousand years ago. Hell and the Devil was invented about a thousand years ago. The very bogus Heaven has been promoted by greeting card companies, and by religious fanatics, who ignore all of the truthful information about heaven that has been around since the Egyptians.
The re-evolution in our thinking about Heaven has emerged because so many men have actually temporarily traveled to their favorite heaven and have come back and described their experience in detail, and these real heavenly experiences completely disagree with our bogus myths about heaven and hell.
(Read Jerry, The Bass Preacher's account of his experience in Bass Fishing Heaven)
For example: While this may upset many people, and many greeting card companies there are no angels in male heaven. (There are angels in female heaven and they are mostly flower arrangers, hairdressers, and doo dad designers, and they love to gossip). No, let me say that differently: hundreds of years ago there were male angels, but they resigned and gave up their wings because they were bored to tears, and I don't blame them. I know for a fact that these male angels, who love to fly, are now in BI-PLANE HEAVEN, and are flying around in the sky doing acrobatics and staging dog fights which is totally cool fun with their white silk scarves blowing in the wind. Many men who have been in the air force also choose this place because it is so much fun.
THE LAST MOMENT OF LIFE IS A COSMIC ORGASM
It is understandable, being that we are raised on a bogus diet of Heaven and Hell, that we are in terror of death. This is because we believe that death is going to be excruciatingly painful. There is no doubt that many deaths are. But the reality is that death, for most of us, is not that way. Death is an experience of sublime erotic bliss, because it that last breath we take is a cosmic orgasm. What does a cosmic orgasm feel like? Glad you asked.
Just take all of the orgasm you have ever had, and I mean all of them, and compress them into one. When you experience this cosmic orgasm it is so intense, it literally releases our soul from your body so it is now free to travel to our chosen Heaven. Let me use this common example from Thanksgiving to explain how this works: You just opened a can of cranberry sauce and you shake the can the cranberry sauce, but it wont come out. Finally you take your boot and hit the back of the can hard enough, and out plops the cranberry sauce. Just think of your soul as the cranberry sauce stuck in the can, and your blast from your boot that liberates it, as your cosmic orgasm.
Of course you want to know about Hell, and later on I will describe it in detail but for the moment ..Hell is a really interesting place because it has got some of the coolest stuff you would ever want to use. The problem, or I should say, the torture is, that none of it ever works right.
For example: You enter the Gates of Hell and the Devil hands you the keys to a perfectly new 1956 Mercedes Benz 300SL Gullwing Coupe, and you drive away, and one hundred yards down the road it stalls and wont start, and you call 911 and you have to wait ...for an eternity, for a tow truck to come. Or a 48 point buck is standing ten yards from you and you are trembling so hard with buck fever you can't pull the trigger ever.
HOW DO WE GET READY FOR HEAVEN?
It is never too early to start planning. It helps to make lists. For sure you want to take the tools you will need to have fun just like the Egyptian kings. It is helpful to study the way the Egyptian pharaohs prepared. As this section of Meta-Gizmo evolves you will get more important planning information. Again, I remind you that Heaven is not perfect and always has some eccentricities. Let me give you some insights now:
- There are no red M&Ms, either chocolate or peanut varieties, in Heaven. I don't know why this is true. It is one of those mysteries.
- There is no black electrical tape, only brown, and that is very weird, as far as I am concerned. Have you ever seen brown electrical tape?
- Be sure to take Weber carb rebuild kits with you, because it is impossible to get Weber carb parts in Heaven.
- There are no cigarettes in Heaven, only real Cuban cigars, so if you use them you need to take what you need.
Now do you understand what I mean?
If you have any experience of hanging out in any of the male Heavens, share your experience with your bros'.
e-mail Dr. Harvey "Gizmo" Rosenberg: firstname.lastname@example.org
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