THE DIGITAL DEVIL
Because music is the turf of the soul, and the audio arts are the path, it all perfectly reflects the human truth, which is why The Devil love the audio arts....
Like you I have made many pacts with the Devil, and because only Dr. Gizmo is walking the walk and talking the talk about shredding the perimeter of the audio arts...the One Who Can Barbecue a Steak in His Hands, reached out to me....and asked if he could use me as his spokesmen....I agreed, and immedately noticed that hair started to grow on my head again, I lost 40 pounds, and Tara Banks was taking a bubble bath in my tub and playing with my rubber ducky.....
My job is now to explore the the universal digital discombobularity that we are all struggling with...because we are all human...and The Devil....he knows The Art of The Deal.
This appeared in Stereophile "Letters to the Editor" .....
The email said:
Did you read Robert Orbans letter to the editor in the Oct. Stereophile?
Want to discuss?
Meet me at the Oak Room, Plaza at 8PM 10/4.
This didnt surprise me because I have had many exciting debates with the Devil, which is one of the advantages of being the worlds oldest audiophile...I was there when Joshua tested the first horn.
The Devil looked great. He was sunburnt, had a long ponytail, his diamond ear studs glistened, and The Tempter was wearing an ecru silk shirt, black Armani blazer, ripped jeans, work boots, and a Rolex Oyster Perpetual...he looked just like an "A" list rock and roll producer that you find in "A" list recording studios all over the world.
Before I describe my conversation with The All Mighty One, let me quickly tell you about a meeting we had thirty years ago. It was all about the pact he made with the fashion industry and it was called textured polyester which created total care-free clothes for men and women. Total convenience. You could now throw your dress, pants or three piece suits in the washer, then into the drier...no more dry cleaning or pressing. No more nasty wrinkles. The Sulfurous One was proud of designing the Arnold Palmer powder blue textured polyester knitted leisure suits and their accompanying white shiny shoes and belts.... that virused middle class America. No more cotton, no more silk, no more wool...who wanted to be bothered?
He Who Knows The Truth in Our Heart ordered the martinis and then pulled Stereophile from his pocket, and as his shoulders slumped he started to cry and said..."They dont understand me and then they betray me...and seek redemption...it is so unfair".
Being a big fan of Oprah, Montel and Geraldo I knew exactly what to do, and reached over and held his hand and said...." I feel your pain", and with that gesture of compassion The Tempter let it all out....
"It was one of my best and biggest deals....it affected billions. It was a win/win for everyone. I was running out of religious fakes, and the music industry is filled with greed and vanity, so I created digital audio with the promise that if you sign my "Digital Pact" I will make recording squeaky clean, make editing wrinkle free, make it possible for hundreds of thousands of musicians to have their own recording studios, deliver more profits, more jobs, new cool audio toys, create new music opportunities to sell billions of little silver discs....the only thing I demanded in return was...just give me your music soul...the price was right......and almost everyone signed up gladly. I also encouraged everyone, who signed my Digital Pact, not to worry about telling the truth about digital audio, because, lets face it, the public is never interested in music quality...only new hits that go platinum. Of course, there was one small pesky insignificant group of musicmaniacs who rebelled (and he tapped on the Stereophile cover)....but they speak only in foreign tongues that the public doesnt understand so I didnt care".
Blowing his nose and sipping his extra dry Absolut Martini on the rocks with one olive, the Devil continued...."And now..... is that the thanks I get...the pro audio industry is beginning to feel guilty? I was there at the October AES convention. I heard everyone muttering......Digital Sound Sucks. I dont get it? Of course digital sound sucks, of course polyester double knits feel like plastic....the pact everyone signed was not about quality, it was about greed, convenience, ego and mendacity...you know Dr. Gizmo....I have been making the same deal for thousands of years...no surprises with me...I was totally upfront".
The Devil was feeling better now, and opened Stereophile to page 15. "It upsets me that more and more "sensitive" audio engineers now want their souls back and are seeking forgiveness and redemption so they are writing this type of "letters to the editors" to try to prove that they care about music quality. It doesnt matter...once you sign a digital pact with me, you never get your music soul back. The first to line up to sign my Digital Pact were audio engineers who always need a reason do create something new and and better...not".
Because the Devil is such an old friend I had the confidence to, like Daniel Webster, confront him....
"What about all the "new and improved" digital formats?
The Devil started to laugh so hard the Oak Rooms chandeliers started to shake.
"My dear Dr. Gizmo, give me a break. New format, new floormat. Just look at the modern recording studio. Even if God in Her Infinite Glory invented a new and improved digital format, recordings cant sound much better than my original dismal digital format, because recording studios are "extreme machines of music discombobularity" with their absurd egotistical complexity, and (at this point I thought the Devil was going to pee in his pants he was laughing so hard)....millions of dollars of technology and hardware....all feeding loudspeakers with $29 ferrite magnets...mounted in the wall...give me a break...there is no redemption in digital...thats the deal".
I had to pick the Devil up off the floor and calm him down, and gave him my Martini, which he gulped down...
"Dr. Gizmo last night I listened to one thousand of the latest CDs of pop musics biggest stars, and compared them to some of my Ben Webster 1954 vinyl, and my confidence was restored. If the music industry thinks they are going to pluck their souls back from me with new digital formats, they will have to start smoking a different brand of weed...no new and improved digital format will redeem their musical soul...because it is impossible to express the soul of music in a modern digital recording studio...and that makes me very happy".
The Devil, then burped, and looked at me, and said.....
"There is only one way I would re-negotiate my Digital Pact, but I wont give this secret away".
The Devil paid the bill and told me that he was going over to St. Patrick Cathedral to see if he could drum up some business, and wanted to know if I wanted to join him. I told him that I was going to Bloomingdales to check out the new Donna Karan fall collection. He Who Loves Hot Climates hugged me good-bye and said...
"Stay in touch".
e-mail Dr. Harvey "Gizmo" Rosenberg: firstname.lastname@example.org
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