I was sitting in Dr. Lovegroves waiting room reading Jonathan Valins editorial while waiting for my yearly prostate examination. My doctor is an audiophile and after he tickles one of my favorite spots we chew the fat about audio...way cool, and he sees I have a copy of the Absolute Sound...and he asks if I read Valins editorial...and I nod...and he says....I have the answer...and he opens his drawer and takes out a "normal" looking package of "sample" pills that doctors give to their patients...but the good doctor says....this is special stuff...it is the new Viagra II.
"Try these tonight when you listen to music", and he pushed the package towards me....
Pause: One of the mottos of the Triode Guild is BE VERY SIMPLE BE VERY STIFF which is a Wholey idiom of circuit design so whenever a company is into promoting stiffness they have my attention. According the poop sheet Viagra II gives us (women included) choices. With Viagra II by focusing we can choose what part of our body we want to get stiff...assuming the right stimulation appears.
To please all of the audiophile scientists I made sure this was a completely scientific "untainted" experiment and locked up all my smut, x-rated magazine, inflatable dolls, and black leather in a cabinet. According to the instructions you pop a pill and wait one hour, so I popped a pill and went to my workbench and farted around with a single-ended circuit. There was absolutely no physical effect...no feeling that any kind of drug was affecting my perception, and I got so engrossed in my project I forgot about it...especially when I finished a variable regulated power supply for the filaments of my 300Bs so I could determine if there was an optimum filament voltage. Have you heard about the benefits of "the starved filament" concept? I installed new filament supplies in my amplifiers and started to listen....and still no sensation of any change in my body.
I couldnt believe that by changing from unregulated DC to regulated DC could make such an amazing difference in my aural matrix....I was shocked...this was crazy. I put on my favorite Ry Cooder CDs and again my mind raced through the literature to discover why such a dramatic change should occur just from upgrading my filament supply. I thought I was beginning to get a headache because the skin around my neck was getting tight, so I reached to massage it and I screamed....my ears were rock hard....longer and harder than they have been in 45 years. I remember as a teenager when I first discovered hi-fi I used to walk around with stiff ears...I couldnt cover them with my hat, and couldnt wait till I got out of school so I could get home and to listen to music.
There was no doubt that Viagra II was effecting my hearing.....From that moment on until 8AM the next morning I listened and I listened, and I heard my music in a completely new way...and I craved a Coke. I listened to music in every position I know. I could go for hours without stopping. Even after the crescendo of each piece I kept on listening and listening harder and harder. I never got tired, and then I realized I was listening to music with all of the passion of a horny pubescent boy. As you know this is one of the highest places a man can be.
Not trusting this experience I gave one of the Viagra II pills to my friend Lang Phipps, who not only experienced the same thing, but took his drums out, that he hadnt played in months, and played so long and hard for so many hours that he had blistered hands.
Now you know why I am suggesting that Viagra II can save our diminishing tribe from extinction. There can be no doubt the fact that the ears of our leaders have gone soft. There is a morale problem. While I admire the Absolute Sounds courage to discuss our tribal dull-drums, complaining is not enough...we must take action now...
Heres my two step plan: STEP ONE: I suggest that all segments of our industry, the media, manufacturers, and retailers take Viagra II for one month...so that they can re-experience the excitement of having really young stiff ears...like in the good old days. If this experiment is effective...if there is a major shift in morale...then (2) STEP TWO: Viagra II should become the official drug of our industry and be regularly dispensed at all trade shows, audio dealers, at hi-fi club meetings, and ......our industry will leap forward.
Am I saying that our problem is so severe that we need industry wide drug therapy?
The Absolute Sounds web site would be a great place for industry leaders to report their results.
Let me leave you with this question Dr. Freud, "Can you imagine what it would feel like to have your sixteen year old ears back".