THE WORLDS FIRST
AC/DC SOCIETY EDITOR
LISTENER AND COSMO MAGAZINE
IN JOINT VENTURE DISCUSSIONS
GLAMOUR AND PASSION RETURNS TO AUDIO
Ms/Dr. Harvey "Gizmo" Rosenberg, Mdh
There is magic in every moment. We take a small step forward into the next century and who knows where we will be? Follow this true tale about how Listener will transform the audio industry.....it starts by.......
As you know from the previous issue I made a promise to have a sex change operation so that I could speculate about the technology of ecstasy from both sides of the fence. Leadership requires personal risk, and how can I ask you, to expand your vision of the audio arts, if I dont make the first bold move into new epistemological territory?
I arranged for the same Swiss surgeon, who performed my bat ear transplant, to perform one of the most challenging sex change operations of his career. I worked with Dr. Heinz in developing a completely new type of sex change procedure...it is bipolar; instantly reversible, and this is accomplished by installing a switch in my belly button. Down is male, up is female. (Mouser part# 611-7103-021). Now I know what it feels like to be a transistor...
Recovery was nerve racking because I had to learn how to pee sitting down...which, as you know, is a very unnatural act..... but it was immediately apparent that I now had a distinct advantage...in almost every arena of my life. For example: when walking around the local Harley-Davidson showroom, growling, snarling, farting and looking like a criminal, the switch is down. Now when I check out Victoria Secrets (my all time favorite store...I just love running my face all over the underwear.... especially the silk ones)....I flip the switch up, and down, up and down...talk about getting high.
WARNING: What I am about to reveal must not be discussed with any non-subscriber to Listener because this mind blowing information will blow your mind, and I dont want emails from outraged non-subscribers wives who demand to know how to clean their husbands brains off the wall and the ceiling....the answer is...with an air sickness bag close at hand.
NOW IT CAN BE TOLD..
Heres the truth: Most of the time it feels fantastic being a women, especially if you wear really expensive underwear and great shoes, and I highly recommend the experience. I love pure silk bras. Guys are not into underwear and they are missing something great. Though this may be painful, let me assure all audiophiles that a great new pair of shoes is much more enjoyable than a new record mat, and much cheaper. It also feels so smooth doing my heavy walking the dog vibe in a tight mini skirt and no bras on Broadway and see how quickly I can turn intelligent, well behaved men into dogs in heat. From this side of the fence I have a completely different understanding of men, and my advice to all men...relax, women know how full of shit we are...how easy we are to control........we dont have to try so hard....just be the dogs that we are, and remember...... take out the garbage with no argument and your master will give some nooky as a reward.
On the other hand I now have to worry about thousands of things I didnt have to worry about before from make-up to panty lines. There is no way a man can appreciate the total spiritual devastation of a bad hair day...except it feels twice as bad as when our favorite team looses the World Series. I am spending much more time looking at myself in a small mirror so I can check my make-up, and now here comes the home run to center field....I have no time to think about audio because I have so many important things on my mind, including the new secretary that is 30 years younger than me and looks great...and I hate her.
But heres the point girls...lets admit it.....nothing feels better than getting our bones jacked all the way up to heaven while a great sound system is the trois in the menage a trois. Just deliver me a great music system that gives me a (minimum) one hour orgasm...thats all I ask. Lets face it girls, Barry White knows what he is singing about, and I love the way he kisses my butt. What can be better for our complexion than music and sex? Wake up Revlon, it is time to get into the audio business.
Why does a leading national survey claim that "tube" families stay together, and "solid state" families have a high incidence of pet abuse...especially against gerbils? Can the audio industry begin to dialogue about family values and the things that are important to real living women? Wake up Mr. Sony...make a digital musical vibrator and advance civilization by a century. Personally, I think with millions of these humming devices being purchased by women every year, it is about time our favorite lovable gizmos started to do more than just hum...make music. I would love to hear Mick Jagger coming out of my vibrator.
BREAKING OUT OF THE MOLD
Can we get back to business? So I called Art and said, "From this, the better smelling side of the fence, I see a major business opportunity for Listener....why not create a joint venture with..Cosmo...so women can hear from "Listener Experts" what the music pleasure principal is all about....it is about the foundation of the audio arts....and women get that truth and almost dead white audio professors who cant dance...dont, because they are too busy.....thinking about macro vs. micro dynamics. Art, you know that the best to way to change mens minds is with a motivated skirt in a tight sweater...anyway".
Art agreed and sent this email to Helen Gurley Brown at Cosmo..
Listener is into the "Big O" and the G-spot too, and as you know music makes you double your pleasure. Lets discuss a joint venture whereby what the Listener staff knows about music pleasure can be deeply massaged into your readers.
Art Dudley, Publisher
Yes Art, Cosmo readers love their pleasure and if you can make it last longer (reliable), make it stiffer (power supply) or hotter (bias), my readers are interested...but dont bore us with the details...women already know that tubes are cool...they are big and hot arent they?
Helen Gurley Brown, Publishers.
When Art gave me the good news I got so excited, out of admiration for our brave publisher, I felt compelled to perform the "sacred shopping celebration ritual" that honors the female spirit, and was soon crying with joy because I became overwhelmed with the beauty of a Donna Karan dress in Bloomingdales.
Just in the nick of time (and to get control over my sobbing) I threw the switch down and I started thinking about 300Bs, circuits, speakers, aural matrixes...you know all the important male stuff and forget about it...who cares about all the things that women care about...pure silly fru-fru. So forget about it, women are not going to flock to this art until we start communicating in a more truthful manner. As soon as the living males in our audience admit that they are hedonists first...and audiomaniacs second...the easier it will be for us to take our rightful place in culture....THE MASTERS OF THE TECHNOLOGY OF ECSTASY. Wake up alpha audio males...name the game, without any shame...or, you are to blame.
Which is why it is so important that the Listener staff take their expertise and schlep it to frontiers of hedonism. Should Listener relocate its corporate headquarters to the Playboy Mansion? Is Art destined to become the Hugh Hefner of audio publishing? (Let Art know your opinion by emails). Will hostesses, wearing skin tight "ear-suits", appear at listening parties?
Mike Trei, who mastered most of the Kama Sutra positions before he was ten ( I have seen Mike assembling a circuit board while he was doing position 83) would serve his audience well, if he explored his demonic eroticism vis a vis single ended circuits for the newly divorced. . Herb Reichert, the brooding prince of darkness, the eternal force, is writing an article, which will be featured on the cover of COSMO...."Every Time Feels Likes the First Time With You 2A3". In Peter Breuningers article about Madonnas mirrored sound system entitled, "Why Does Being Bad Feel So Good", he reveals how spanking can improve macro-dynamics in everyone, and in their system too. Steve Guttenburg goes gonzo with his masterful...."For Thrills....Listen to Music Through a Keyhole,,,and Dont Tell Anyone What You Heard". In Arts interview with Burt Reynolds, "Toupees Are for Real Men", Burt reveals his favorite records for doing the funky chicken with starlets.
You get my point,...the point is the audio arts are all about pure physical pleasure, not ordinary pleasure, not even the kind of pleasure your parents approved of, but mind blowing, bordering on illegal, pleasure. You know the musical orgasm starts going off in your brain while you are dancing to Puff Daddy and BLAM your mind blows and millions of tiny neon music notes are floating in space.
Now you know why you must take your audio system more seriously: it is the only completely legal non-harmful...non-drug induced transportation to the place where the Greeks Gods went for torrid pleasure. This probably explains why, in the 1999 Listener reader poll (thanks for responding), you told us that 98% of you eat feta cheese, goats milk, stuffed grape leaves and Souvlaki for breakfast.... at least four times a week. Be proud you are a musical hedonist. Take your pleasure as seriously as the Greeks.
This is the type of music pleasure that 99.99999% of the world doesnt know exists, and 99% of our industry doesnt know exists....because they havent the courage to open to the fires of pleasure burning in our loins..... muscle tingling, the red hot primal snake up the spine exploding out of our brains, while she says yes, again yes, and her heart is pounding all mad, and she says, again and again, and I love the way you oversample me, and new silver foil interconnects....yes.....and you both explode into an ecstatic oblivion of one musical soul with the VTA properly adjusted. Did I describe that properly?
And too soon we arc back to earth and we want to light a cigarette and eat some chunky chocolate ice cream, read an audio magazine and..... we safely land and think about 300Bs and transformers........ we are once again back home safe after Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.
So what am I suggesting? Am I suggesting that you, the Listener readers, have a bi-polar sex change operation in Switzerland which cost over $100,000 and is not covered by insurance so you can begin to understand the ontology of the audio arts? Shit No! Am I about to introduce a $49 Triode Guild DIY Sex Change Kit, complete with hardware, switch, diagrams and Band-Aids? Good idea, but I am not in the kit business. Ron Welborne, or Dan Schmalle should consider this business.
My advice to everyone is much simpler, and less expensive...and I especially recommend this to all audio writers, editors, manufacturers and publishers. To discover the women in you, who is much more comfortable with pleasure and sensuality, lock yourself in the bathroom at least once a week and experiment with make-up looks. Make yourself glamorous. Love the women trapped inside your sweaty repressed audiophile soul. Personally, I use Italian Vogue Magazine for make-up inspiration. But there are lots of super-models filled rags to use as a reference. Im into the Linda Evangalista look (remember her from the George Michaels video?), which is why I look almost exactly like her. Paradox: this is also the way to discover the pagan wild man in you( you will note that native men wear lots of make-up too), but be sure to wash all the make off before you go to work at the Post Office or Microsoft.. Just get into the pleasure....have the courage to ooze your hidden glamour and passion.
Which is why I created the TRIODE GUILD AWARDS. As Guildmeister each year I give awards for products that blow my mind, in the truest sense of the late 1970s, when minds first discovered that they could be blown. Few products can meet my high standards for pleasure, especially now that I am both..AC/DC, which explains why I write about so few. Thank God in Her generosity for a very small group of passionate audio artisans, because without their inspiration I would cease to exist.....they are the fuel for my soul....and this nourishment is all about the expansion of my aural matrix, my Xanadu, my pleasure dome. Recently there have been some important frontiers crossed and I am celebrating these achievement...we are taking many steps closer to the Nth Dimension of Music HyperSpace. Check the Triode Guild web site for the full description of these awards: www.enjoythemusic.com/triode
PLITRON TORROID OPTS designed by Menno Vanderveen: We are entering The Fourth Wave of tube consciousness...it is all about OPT transformer consciousness. I bet you never heard of torroid (round) output transformers and this is a major breakthrough. How do the new Plitron torroid single-ended transformers sound? They sound like a silk scarf rubbing across my nipples glowing in moonlight while bats fly through the mango trees. Something major and expansive is happening here with this revolutionary design, The tube wave keeps on cresting...new tubes, new output transformers...and when experienced in a very serious circuit with, the best of the new directly heated triodes, a new category of aural matrix appears. Remember I was once the world greatest critics of output transformers so when I say I am inspired...that is serious.
AVVT DIRECTLY HEATED TRIODES: This is the big Triode Guild "O" of the year. Alesa Vaic is back in a very major way, and his 300BSLs are now my favorite 300B aroma. I find the new AVVT tubes intoxicating, Alesa has taken the liquid midrange and taken the 300B aesthetic higher into the flowing, glowing and moist....and more affordable at $150 each. This is a deeply penetrating tonal thrill. The clarity of this tube sets it apart from all others. Alesa is pulling ahead in the race....just check out his new directly heated triode tube menu. He also has a trick up his sleeve and it is out, and it is too cool for everyone to know about, so you have to read about on the Triode Guild web site. At $150 each these are the best bargain in Tubedom, and the new 2A3......... Check the whole story.
THE MARCHAND TUBE CROSSOVER: Again, I am giving Phil Marchand the award for making the best condom in the audio industry...it is so cool you dont even know you are wearing one. What I mean of course is that when we are listening with a conventional passive speaker crossover we are making love with heavy duty truck stop condoms on. When we get rid of all of those crossover parts and use a tube crossover we making love with a condom that feels invisible. This is the Lowther imperative of getting into every little squiggley of the music. Heres the fun with all of the new great "value 2A3s"...use a 300B on the woofer, the 2A3 on tweeter, or use 300Bs, with 300s or 2A3s with 2A3s, Especially cool with two way mini monitors....this feels like the good old days before sex became more dangerous than car racing. Now available from 2-4 way model. By using a tube crossover you can kick audio sand in face of all your audio bros..and what can be more pleasureful than that?
CAMELOT DIGITAL: The menages a trois of the Camelot DAC, jitter reducer and battery power supply, I repeat battery power supply, is a great model for an audio orgy that works right. As you know most audio orgies turn out to be disappointing, but here is a case of stupendous value with enormous engineering achievement that delivers fabulous pleasure. This is a huge achievement from Mel Schilling in terms of tonal righteousness and batteries make a big difference...viva the battery revolution. Am I crazy, or is the reason that vibrators feel so good is because most of them are battery powered?
VACUUM TUBE VALLEY MAGAZINE: This is the hot new rag in the world of tubes. Beautiful art direction by Charles Kittleson, with Eric Barbour and John Atwood helping with the research and technical articles. Mind blowing new concepts in classic amps...this is the edge. Need to know which vintage 6SN7 or 2A3 is the coolest? Get the back issues. Charles also sells a super gourmet silver/oil coupling cap...my favorite. The Listener for tube maniacs.
ALEX GARNER OF TANNOY: No one knows him, and his concrescent creations never come to America (they are destined for Japan), but his alnico dual concentric driver is the best in the world. I still havent reached the limit of this speakers potential and I have been pushing hard at its frontier for over five years.
LOWTHER DRIVERS: Quirky, imperfect, these drivers are teaching the Monkey Coffin Makers Union an important lesson...get the horsepower to weight ration right, get the impedance up around 16 ohms and get efficiency up. This is such a terrifying little mother than most Monkey Coffin makers pretend the Lowther doesnt exist. Listen to the Lowther midrange, and then listen to yours and then download the FORM LETTER" on my web site and send it to your favorite monkey coffin maker.
KICK SAND IN IBMs FACE AWARD: DR. GIZMOS LAPTOP DUAL MONO 300B SET: Thats right I am giving myself an award for creating the worlds first laptop size dual mono 300B SET, and it is three inches thick and weighs less than three pounds. How did I create this amazing gizmo that you can build for under $50? Thats right I am taking on the giants of the computer industry...and winning!
PREVIEW OF MY NEXT ARTICLE
In the next issue I will deal with:
That was good for me, was it good for you?....and always remember....if loving audio gizmos is wrong, we dont want to be right.
Ms/Dr. Harvey "Gizmo" Rosenberg: firstname.lastname@example.org
e-mail Dr. Harvey "Gizmo" Rosenberg: email@example.com
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