PUTTING THE NATURAL SMELL BACK INTO MUSIC
"Because all music comes from the earth, it has the natural aroma of all living things"
THE DIGITAL DEVIL© THROWS ME A BONE
When I opened the big brown envelop that the Digital Devil gave me, in it was a CD and a check..the check was for $1 million. The CD was labeled DIGI-SMELL TECHNOLOGY...Business Plan, Schematics, Operating Instructions, Mechanical Drawings, Patent Filings....
I jumped on my 1500 cc supercharged Vespa scooter and rushed home and put the CD in my computer and over the next four hours studied the technology that The Master had given me as compensation for all the help I gave him. I had all the money I needed to produce and market-test the first prototypes of his new amazing technology. There was no doubt in my mind that Digi-Smell was going to make me an Internet billionaire...and improve the experience of music in everyones home.....but I had this nagging feeling that.....I couldnt figure this out....why would the Devil, after he went through so much trouble removing the natural smell out of music, want me to develop the technology to put it back?
Of all the heavy duty technical R&D project I have ever been involved with this project seemed to be guided by some higher force...everything went, from step to step, perfectly.THERE WERE NO PARTS ORDERING PROBLEMS. Everything worked perfectly the first time! All of the programming just fell into place..instantly. And in what seems like a flash of time I was testing the first prototype of the new SMELLORAMA COMPUTER.
I took the output of my CD player and plugged it into theSMELLORAMA COMPUTER, and pushed the ON button, and .....
When the music of Willie Nelson filled my living room......
I am at barbecue in Willies backyard, and as he is playing I can smell the aroma of his hickory wood fire...my mouth starts to water as its hickory smoke mingles with the perfume of searing tenderloin of pork, venison sausage, collared greens and black eyed peas. Is that the smell of fresh corn bread on the open fire?
Django Rheinhart takes out his guitar and starts playing and... zap.... we are all sitting in the Hot Club in Paris and it is 1933, and the room is filled with the smoke of Gallouise cigarettes, Beaujolais nouveau, and the musky odor of all the gypsy womens cheap perfume....
Mozart at the piano...zap.... we are in a candlelit drawing room in Salzburg and it is filled with sweet pungency of bees wax candles and another aroma that I have trouble identifying until I realize that all of the bare wood floors are waxed...and by hand...and odor of the floor wax is mingling with the very heavy aroma of perfume that all of the men and women are wearing....and it is coming from their wigs....
How many of you know the satisfaction of struggling with a new technology and then arriving at the moment where it all works the way you dreamed?
Dreams have power.
AMERICA HAS LOTS ITS SMELLY SOUL...
On the CD that had all of the business plans the Devil wrote a very compelling report, basically describing how he was slowly but surely deodorizing America....it is was his plan to completely digitize life...and get ride of all those pesky, annoying and quite frankly smelly human qualities...
I thought for a moment about this diabolical plan and remembered....America used to smell great. I can remember the smell of America from my childhood...it was rich, full and authentic. I remember all the different smells of my friends houses in my neighborhood. All of the markets had their own unique strong smell from the all of the unpackaged foods. I can remember the unique smell of the Studerbaker, Edsel, Packard, MGs, Austin Healeys, Henry Js. I remember the smell of Coney Island on a summers night with the hot dogs, the boiling grease for the French Fries, cotton candy and the thick black grease from the roller coaster tracks...the air was so thick with delicious authentic American smell you could eat the air with a spoon.
I remember when women smelled like women and not a nice spring day in clover. Why after billions of years of smell evolution have women made this deal with the Devil? Dont women understand that the high rate of divorce and personal suffering is directly related to their loosing their smelly souls?
Once again, the Devil, who has the greatest cunning, made a great deal....America...I will make you squeaky clean....just give me your soul...and we did the deal...and of course music lost its natural vibrant smell in the process.
Music, especially early rock and roll, used to have a strong pungent smell, which would burst forth, like the smell of hot bread just out of the oven, once you opened the cellophane (remember the smell of cellophane) wrapper on the record...... but we have washed, bleached and scoured away the aroma of our culture...and our music. We are all suffering because of the pact we made with the Devil....we are suffering from this smell deprivation. How can we survive as a nation when we no longer smell strong? What will are enemies think of us when they smell how weak we are? No wonder the French heap scorn on us, when they smell so strong and we smell so prissy....and they are right.
Just ask yourself this question? Do you suffer from smell guilt? How did that happen? It took Mother Nature four millions years to give us a perfect human smell, and in fifty years we destroy Her wisdom...no wonder the American family is falling apart. Fact: When American families had a strong smell they stayed together. Check the correlation: We become odor-free and we cant keep our families together.
AN ENTREPRENEURS DREAM
What a thrill to use my new Digi-Smell technology and add back into music its natural smell. It is not often that we have an opportunity to make a fortune and serve the public......and my imagination was running a marathon....once I had digitized smell, the possibilities were endless..... what about sending a SMELLOGRAM to your girl friend on her birthday...some beautiful music and the smell of a dozen fresh roses?
Let me quickly get to how this new digital smell technology works...
There are three elements to this technology:
The SMELLORAMA computer
The SMELLORAMA Software
The Digi-Smell modules
Follow the instructions: Plug in yourSMELLORAMA computer, which is about the size of small bread box, and has the ability of creating a holographic aroma matrix in your living room from..... the Brazilian rain forest to the Paris Hot Club in 1936. The Smellorama Computer is connected to your audio system which is ready for your....... new Willie Nelson CD which has a SMELLORAMA BAR CODE on it and you scan the bar code into the computer and that tells the computer exactly what digital smell to produce while that CD is playing. This is the DIGI-SMELL CODING of Willies own personal SMELLORMA vision of how he wants his music to smell...but you can override it and create your own smelly matrix. If you want you can listen to Willie play while you are at a barbecue in Willies backyard, and as my friend Steve Sullivan suggested why not program in is faint odor of fresh horse manure in the background...for authenticity?
But how does theSMELLORMA COMPUTER create the smell you want? In the Smellorama computer you install "smell modules"...there are twenty four "basic smells" that are the constitute elements of all smells. From these basic smell elements you can create any smell from the smell of your hot V-8 motor to the beaches of Southern California. How these twenty four elements are mixed determines your "SMELLORAMA MATRIX" and it can change as the music changes. You can re-order the Smell Modules when they are depleted and I intend to license other companies to create their own variations.
Software companies will also, under licensing deals, design programs that will permit you to produce some very exotic smells in your living room...all of which will accelerate you, at wrap speed, to heightened states of musical ecstasy.
Now consider this...your friend in Nepal hasSMELLORAMA COMPUTER connected to his audio system and he is also connected to you over the Internet...you can not only send him music, but your own unique smell....or how would you like to listen to Mahler symphonies with the smell of Himalayan Mountains in your living room?
Are you detecting how Devilish the Devil is.... in the eternal dialectical of culture, that while He creates a "digital" world and removes all of the emotional authenticity from life, digital technology maybe be the only way for America to regain its leadership as the Smell Super Power.
The business plan is very simple, and is just like the "Dolby" business model...any CD produced that wants to take advantage ofSMELLORAMA technology will pay a licensing fee. I am certain that any CD will sound better when the natural smell of music is restored because everyone responds more fully to the natural aroma of music.
Before we go any further, can you imagine how this is going to make all digital music, no matter the format, much more thrilling? Am I suggesting thatSMELLORAMA makes the new digital formats unnecessary? YES.
SOME PRELIMINARY TEST RESULTS
(NOTE: The rumors that Ron Perelman, the CEO of Revlon was involved in this project is false)
(1) My friend Lori Anderson came to visit me, and like all single moms is under enormous pressure and stress, and often times feels crushed under the daily burdens of life...just like millions of other American women in her position. This was a great opportunity to test the capability ofDIGI-SMELL.
I admit I did some tricky manipulation.....I programmed theSMELLORAMA COMPUTER for a combination of odors that I believe would transform Lori to a higher spiritual place: I created a subtle blend of new mink coat, the interior of a new Jaguar, the smell of a the new Calvin Klein collection, with the subtle aroma of emeralds....and the kicker....I figured out the smell of "hot" plastic VISA cards. Lori is familiar with Bachs Goldberg Variations because she has heard it hundreds of times at Chez Bat Ears...but I didnt tell her about the experiment. I just sat her down and told her to listen, and see how she felt.
You might say I discovered the best "upper" in the world because I watched as Lori was miraculously transformed right before my eyes...and she wasnt even aware of what was happening.....I put the bubbles back in the champage of her life. When Lori entered my apartment she was depressed, in less than fifteen minutes I had to tie her up with ropes because her dancing and leaping got so out of control I was afraid she would destroy all of my equipment.
(2) Peter Breuningers experiments are also an indication of the power and possible misuse of the DIGI-SMELL technology. Peter stayed up many nights and figured out how to program the computer so it created the smell matrix of an expensive wedding, including the smell of a wedding dress, a wedding cake, and crying mother, and silver ware. As you know Peter is the Don Juan of the audio industry and is always experimenting with new ways to increase the emotional effect of music on women in significant ways....on the first date. According to Peters notes his experiments had a "score of 77.7%" when using the Smellorama "wedding smell matrix" with Frank Sinatras music.
(3) On the other hand, and at the opposite polarity, let me quickly describe my experience of listening to Ravi Shankar playing the sitar. I worked for days trying to program the smell matrix of the Caves at Banares, in India, the holiest of caves where holy men come to mediatate, fast and die. One of the outstanding characteristic of this cave is the smell of bat guana....and nothing I had previously experienced in my home aural matrix was equal to sitting in the lotus position listening to Ravi and breathing in the deep pungency of bat guana and rotting bodies...it was an ultimate high.
The problem started at Harvard, and it could potentially completely sabotage this project. I gave a friend Nat Guild, who lives in Concord, Mass, one of the prototypeSMELLORAMA COMPUTERS for testing, and he got very excited and used the SMELLORAMA program to create the smell of a NFL locker room in his living room while he was watching the NFL game of the week. According to Nat this made the game more thrilling than being there. Without asking my permission Nat took the SMELLORAMA COMPUTER to his monthly Harvard Alumni meeting in Boston, and he was able to create the smell of old money for the audience. As you know nothing impresses a Harvard man more than old money....and he got a standing ovation. After the presentation, because he was going out to have drinks with his friends, he locked the computer in the trunk of his new Mercedes Benz and it was stolen. I thought that was the end of the story because Nat had the program in his jacket and without the program, the SMELLORAMA computer will not work.
As you know I start work very early...at about 6AM, so I was very surprised about two weeks after theft..... before my morning cup of coffee an email directed to me www.Harvard-Fart Project.com, which I opened, and as the front page began to appear, I heard a very loud fart and a smell so totally disgusting that I almost upchucked my pre-breakfast cookies all over my computer. Computer hackers at Harvard had not only figured out theSMELLORAMA program, they were already making contact with me....and blackmailing me ......and my worst fears had come true....college boys were going to exploit SMELLORAMA technology and possibly destroy its market credibility.
Can you imagine getting emails from your friends from all over the world and they are the sound and smell of farts? Can you imagine on your birthday getting a wet and wild one on a foundation of fetid chili?
I immediately contacted the FBI and went to see them. They told me that they were aware of the problem with Harvard hackers and had undercover agents on campus and thought that very soon they would be able to crack the case.
BACK TO BUSINESS
DO YOU HAVE ANY SMELLY SUGGESTIONS?
We are now planning our next round of financing and getting ready to go into production, and if you have any creative suggestions for the use of the Digi-Smell technology, let me know. Look for announcements about our company in Wallstreet Journal, Easy Rider Magazine, and Waste Management News.
Dr. Gizmo takes Digi-Smell to Wall Street