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THE WORLD'S BEST SOUNDING T-SHIRTS
THE WORLD'S FIRST "T-SHIRT AMPLIFIERS"
"I ENDORSE THESE FASHION T-SHIRTS
BECAUSE THEY HAVE A LIQUID MIDRANGE,
EXTENDED HIGHS, NATURAL HARMONICS
AND WILL GIVE YOU AN ECSTATIC
AURAL FASHION TRIP TO
THE Nth DIMENSION OF MUSIC HYPERSPACE"
Thomas Alva Edison
WHY ARE TRIODE Guild® "T-SHIRT AMPLIFIERS"
THE WORLD'S MOST EXPENSIVE ?
$24.00 each for TRIODE Guild® MEMBERS
(apply online for free)
$249.00 each for NON TRIODE Guild® MEMBERS
EACH T-SHIRT COMES WITH:
GIFT BOX OPTIONAL
(so you can send one directly to your friend in need)
FRAMING SERVICE AVAILABLE
GUARANTEED TO AMPLIFY YOUR COOLOSITY
GUARANTEED TO IMPROVE
THE QUALITY OF YOUR MUSIC LIFE
YOUR SEX LIFE
YOUR GOLF SCORES
OR YOUR MONEY BACK*
YEARS OF RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT
After years of research and development in my lab I am finally ready with my latest and coolest invention. What follows is a detailed description of my, "T-SHIRT AMPLIFIER" and why the new Triode Guild® T-shirt cost $249 each (to non Triode Guild® members) and are a bargain at ten times the price and one of the best arguments on why you should join the Triode Guild®.
Go ahead make my day: Put the Guild®meister to the most stringent listening test. We live in a world populated by millions of different really bad sounding solid state T-shirts Have I created a significant breakthrough in T-shirt amplifier design? Are these the best sounding T-shirts in the world?
I assure you that you will experience something majorly large an amplified sense of vitality, vigor; a powerful shining energy when you wear your Triode Guild® T-shirt, because every Triode Guild® T-shirt is an amplifier of your spirit of the music that is you and you know what that means improved golf scores.
What is the secret behind this skill? It is what thermionic techno-shamans have done for thousands of years endow things with power.
"What could be more thrilling than buying a hot fashion item below wholesale?. . I saved $225.oo on every Triode Guild® T-shirt by joining..and now I own the whole collection. . . and I saved thousands of dollars which I can now spend on tubes while listening to the sound of one triode clapping. What could be cooler?".
FREQUENCY RESPONSE: DC to 1 megahertz, plus/minus 3 Pez
HARMONIC DISTORTION: .0000000001% with no feedback or arguments
POWER OUTPUT: 10,000 whats per sleeve
WOODY RISE TIME: 10 Fenigs per microsecond
ACCELERATION: 0-60 3.8 seconds
SCORING AVERAGE: 87.42
Have you ever owned a T-shirt like this?:
COTTON CULTIVATION: There are many different grades of raw cotton that is used to spin the cotton yarn needed to knit the T-shirt fabric. Most T-shirts are made from "Bi-Polar Transistor #1" cotton, which is very coarse and unmusical.
Because of our connoisseur "tube" music standards of taste I was compelled to grow my own cotton. I leased one hundred acres of fertile Mississippi River Delta Blues land, and installed, all around the field, vintage Alnico magnet speakers with their own triode amplifiers, so while the cotton was growing it would be properly serenaded with "the triode music sound" . From classical music, to jazz, from Bach to the Beatles all from pre-1965 vinyl LPs. In this way I was assured that the cotton fiber would be richly endowed with the energy of the music we love. This required an investment of $500,000 in equipment and thousands of yards of silver cables and speaker wire.
I was also compelled to import rain, thunder and lightening from the Brazilian rainforest, because I wanted to endow the cotton with the type of pure primal pagan spontaneous energy that all great music expresses. Can you imagine how expensive it is to import weather from Brazil to Mississippi?
COTTON SEED: I imported a very special strain of vintage Egyptian cotton seed, the type that was planted by the Hebrews during the time of their exodus from Egypt (1350 BC) , under the leadership of Moses. This is the cotton of liberation from the bondage of bogus audio ideas, and any man who is on the tube path deserves this rare type of cotton. Every man needs all the help he can get in liberating himself from the bondage of music mediocrity. After you wear your Triode Guild® T-shirt, for the first time, you will immediately notice how liberated you feel and know why you are dancing naked in your living room.
FERTILIZER: I had no choice but to make my own special Triode Guild® fertilizer, which is very expensive. Into a custom made pulverizer I add equal parts of (1) imported manure from the sacred cows of India, (2) Victoria Secret's silk bikini undies, (3) , and (4) Elvis Presley LPs. This is the world's most nourishing and most expensive fertilizer and costs $2,400 per pound, and tastes great. When you feel the cotton, you will experience the vibe of this high powered nourishment because "We are what we eat" also applies to cotton, and humans, so it is important to eat only the highest quality music and that means music nourished by tubes. (Note: Gardeners can buy this fertilizer for their Gardens of Eden)
CULTIVATION AND HARVESTING: I hired only retired New Orleans blues musician, and Georgia Baptist gospel singers, to tend and harvest the cotton fields because I knew their singing and music would insure the proper spiritual development of the young cotton's music soul. I paid these workers $25 per hour, making them the highest paid agricultural workers in the world.
YARN SPINNING: Based on years of experience with yarn spinning I hired Whirling Dervishes to spin the cotton yarn, because once again things get endowed with spirit, and I wanted you to feel the energy of these Wholey men who dance and become One with the music of the Wholey One.
FABRIC KNITTING: I was very fortunate to sign a contract with the AVVKN of NJ (Amalgamated Vestal Virgin Knitters Union of New Jersey), who hand knit the fabric for the Triode Guild® T-shirts Amplifiers This may explain why many who buy the Triode Guild® T-shirts do not wear them, but frame them and recite poems to them. Each T-shirt cost me $50 just for knitting cost.
PRINTING: All of these T-shirts are shipped to and then printed in Southern France, by the artisans who are the direct descendants of the stone age men who painted on the Paleolithic cave walls..and created the first graphic arts 30,000 years ago. Because Man is Art, when you wear a Triode Guild® Tube T-shirt you are affirming your direct connection to our bros' artists in the cave which explains why so many men who wear these T-shirts find that the taste of barbecued steak, and their sex life is improved. Grunt if you understand.
DR. GIZMO T-SHIRT SOUND-TESTING AND CERTIFICATION: I subject each and every T-shirt to the most stringent listening/performance tests, and any that don't meet my high standards are rejected. This is a very time consuming process for me, and your assurance that you are receiving the world's best sounding T-shirt amplifiers. You will note that each T-shirt comes with its own test score because it is very important for men to know how their favorite totems score.
WHO IS QUALIFIED TO WEAR A TRIODE Guild® T-SHIRT
WHO WILL BENEFIT FROM A GIFT OF A TRIODE Guild® T-SHIRT
The history of male culture is ample proof that clothing speaks and amplifies it defines who we are, and our position in the tribal hierarchy. It is also a truth that tribal garb can be endowed with power to protect us, to make us more effective warriors.
Years ago, as a test, I produced a small quantity of the Triode Guild® T-shirts, and gave them to friends and got swamped with request for more, but didn't respond to the need, because I was not set-up to be in the T-shirt business. You will note the gallery of my close friends who wear Triode Guild® T-shirts and their comments. Endorsements by: Henry VIII, George Washington, Albert Einstein, etc.
YOU: Oh, glorious modern manifestation of four million years of male DNA's struggle to ascend from being just an over-sexed shit-hurling competitive tree dwelling ape to the artistic, sensitive tool using dude that you are; endowed with very special listening gifts. Be proud, celebrate the fact that you are (1) a member of a very elite tribe of musicmaniacs (2) have separated yourself from the masses of mealy minded mediocre music dead heads who have no choice but to use transistor circuits. On the other hand, gifts are a responsibility, and it is our job, your job, to inspire, to uplift, and that is why you must grow up and become tribal warrior and inspire. Now is the time to buy the entire Triode Guild® T-shirt Collection and stand tall be the shining music that you art.
ART COLLECTORS: Any connoisseur of the arts is aware that time has proven that everything that I create from toys to audio electronics become classic collectibles, and these Triode Guild® T-shirts are no different. Be a smart investor buy two or three thousands and lock them in a safe, for ten years they will be your best investment. On the hand you notice that I am offering a framing service, so you can display these T-shirts in your living room to impress your friends.
YOUR FRIENDS: The reality is that probably most of your friends are not as cool as you, and are probably wearing really bad sounding transistor type T-shirts that are distorting their male energy. Which brings me to the subject of our responsibility to our tribal brothers which is huge and high It is our responsibility to uplift our brothers, and that means giving them a Triode Guild® T-shirt to help amplify their spirit. Obviously, any man who is listening to music with solid state gear is making love using a "truck tire condom" and doesn't have a clue about all of those squiggly deep pleasureful grooves that are in the music. Do the right thing send your friend a Triode Guild® T-shirt for a birthday, graduation, or a marriage gift.
BACHELORS: Nothing is more challenging than being a hunter of the most savage, cunning and tasty beast on earth. The ancient wisdom applies here: a great hunter purifies his spirit, wears the proper "power" clothing on this hunt. For example, if you are hunting in a bar and wearing a $1,000 Giorgio Armani suit, you are never going to connect with your game, because they are going to be flushed by your "bogus" male energy. On the other hand, by wearing a Triode Guild® T-shirt, you are going to have to use a cattle prod to keep women off your bones and for good reason: When you amplify your spirit, fertile women can feel your beautiful vibe one mile away. But I remind you: never trade your Triode Guild® T-shirt for sexual favors, because this will cause very bad music Karma.
FATHER/HUSBAND: Talk about a job that is more challenging than climbing Mt. Everest in only boxer shorts. Let's talk the talk, and walk and walk .every father/husband needs all the spiritual support he can get in spite of male pride getting in the way and asking for it. If you fall into this category, or, know anyone who falls into this category, just do it order your Triode Guild® T-shirt Now let me explain how my T-shirts prevents extramarital affairs. Most men have these affairs as away of refreshing, amplifying their sexual energy and who can blame men for this way of revitalizing their energy? My T-shirts obsoletes this conventional, yet destructive, strategy, because I guarantee that you that they will do a better job at restoking your fires.
YOUR FATHER/YOUR GRANDFATHER: Can we talk about celebrating the place from whence your gifts flow? Consider how lucky you are to be born with the DNA that rejects the artistic solid state low road, and seeks, through tube audio tools, the highest echelons of musical consciousness. Even if your father has been your enemy, was tone deaf, and was a major impediment to your fabulous artistic development, celebrate him in the best way you can with a Triode Guild® T-shirt
MEN WHO DON'T CARE ABOUT MUSIC QUALITY: My dear Michael Jordan we are all not created equal, and It is tragic, but true. We are not all born with the same listening gifts. (Which explain why I had a bat ear transplant) Most men don't care about music quality, and therefor listen to solid state gear. Compassion, not scorn, is in order here because I believe there are millions of bros', especially rock and rollers, who, if they could get their first taste of the real stuff, they would convert. Chances are they don't even know that tube audio even exists. Let me assure you that this is one of the best ways to enhance your music Karma. Of course if you have been a real bastard/rat/shithead your whole life, I suggest you buy 100 Triode Guild®® T-shirts and give them to people you have hurt as a way of making amends.
YOUR BOSS: Talk about a tricky male to male relationship. But, as you know it is not easy being a leader, and most leaders, because they are typical American men, never get enough appreciation because leaders often act like they are not human but they are. Of course, it will impress your boss that you are giving him a gift of enormous coolosity, and power something leaders admire in their followers. Don't be surprised if your boss wants to give Triode Guild® T-shirts to his important customers, or clients. Be aware that this may cause your co-workers to resent you or bow to you.
YOUR COWORKERS: This may back fire. The work environment can be very competitive and anyone who upsets the orthodox balance of power can be attacked. Because your are a human with a big human heart, it is natural that you would want your coworkers to share the thrill of being amplified and you would want to give them Triode Guild® T-shirts Here is a suggestion that will avoid jealousy and conflict give all of your coworkers Triode Guild® T-shirts, because it will dramatically improve company productivity.
YOUR GIRLFRIEND: Have you ever walked a tight rope in a hurricane? Now you know what it is like being a girlfriend especially with you because loving you is not easy because you are an "abnormal" male because you are more emotional, sensitive, artistic, passionate .your type of male beauty can be a burden in today's world filled with confused, insecure women. That is why it is important to celebrate your girlfriend's courage, and a diamond ring, fur coat, or a BMW sports car, is not equal to this high Wholey task .thank God, in Her wisdom, she inspired the creation of the Triode Guild® T-shirts Here's a romantic hint give her ten or twelve as nighties they are much sexier than anything Victoria Secrets makes.
YOUR WIFE: I remind you that I have been married and divorced four hundred times, so I consider myself an expert on wives and what they need which is lots of love, support, respect and much more they need to be celebrated in spite of the fact that often you may want to use the cattle prod. Being your wife is very challenging because most women are not as sensitive or artistic as you, which means WOMEN ARE FROM TOFU, MEN ARE FROM BARBECUE ( the title of my soon to be released book). Your wife may be giving you grief about all of the music totems you are using, because it is not easy for today's women, who are disconnected from her primal spiritual roots to understand the ancient ecstatic impulse in men. Do you get my drift don't waste your time or money in therapy, marriage counseling, expensive vacations, jewels, Martha Stewart do dahs just celebrate the spiritual center of your life just buy your wife a really cool Triode Guild® T-shirt .amplifier her spirit for your entire family's benefit.
YOUR MOTHER: There is one heart beat in the world, and it is our mothers. She is the source of the world's music. We have a responsibility to experience her energy coursing through the world, at the highest level possible, which is explains why transistor audio is such an insult to the life spirit and why there is no higher form of affirmation, of gratitude, than to give her a different Triode Guild® T-shirt every month or on her birthday.
YOUR CHILDREN: Young human souls are filled with music naturally, and it is often repressed by our culture, depriving them of their most important existential compass. Children must be taught the value of high quality thinking, high quality nourishment, high quality love, and high quality spirituality, and none of this is possible without high quality music. It is never too early to teach your children about tube audio, and the earlier you teach them the better. Just one Triode Guild® T-shirt is all that is needed.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR USE
It is well known that tribal clothing has power, my dear Pope, it is therefor essential that the proper ritual be followed to respectfully exploit the power dwelling within your totem clothing so that it fully cooperates with the task at hand the amplification of your Wholey music..making you more effective in your crusade. It is therefor essential that you follow these instruction precisely OR YOU WILL VOID YOUR GUARANTEE.
IT IS IMPORTANT TO NOTE THAT ANY MAN USING A TRIODE Guild® T-SHIRT IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS WILL VOID THE GUARANTEE AND WILL PROBABLY WAKE UP THE NEXT DAY WITH OOZING PUSTULES ON HIS PRIVATE PARTS DON'T ABUSE TRIBAL GARB.
BELOW ARE NO BIG DEAL
I FOLLOW THEM EVERY DAY..SOMETIMES TWICE A DAY.
STEP ONE: Bathe in a cold mountain stream by moonlight to both purify yourself and to feel your connection to the flowing of the One Harmonic Which is Many, through all life .which can only be experienced with music and tubes.
STEP TWO: Anoint your body with the gland oil from a wild Russian boar. The wild boar is a powerful animal totem which will help you liberate the dynamic primal power of your repressed musical soul.
STEP THREE: Put on your Triode Guild® T-shirt and dance on fire coals. This is a swell process for both (1) purging the spiritual weenies from your soul and will put you in touch the demons, fakirs, Digital Devil, and saints on the path of musical ecstasy (2) barbecuing a steak. (secrets to dancing on fire coals)
STEP FOUR: While wearing your Triode Guild® T-shirt fast for thirty days, as a way of purging your body/system of any toxic transistor energy. Music is nourishment which is why I say..MUSIC, JUST DON'T LISTEN TO IT, EAT IT. You should now experience a much more intense, clear and dynamic sense of your energy with all of the music within you radiating at a much higher level of ecstasy. There should be not doubt that your spirit has been amplified, and is affecting every aspect of your life. NOTE: This may be a good time to wash your Triode Guild® T-shirt because after this initiation ritual you probably smell like Texas road kill in August.
WHAT IF YOUR TRIODE
AMPLIFY YOUR SPIRIT
1. If you have followed the above four steps and you are disappointed you can return your Triode Guild® T-shirt for a full refund, minus the shipping and restocking charge.
2. I strongly recommend joining the SOCIETY OF AMERICAN MUSIC ZOMBIES (APPLY ONLINE)
THIS TIME WE'RE NOT TAKING ANY
e-mail Dr. Harvey "Gizmo" Rosenberg: firstname.lastname@example.org
2005 Meta-Gizmo.com and Dr. Harvey "Gizmo"